I’m waiting to hear back about an audition. It went well. Ish. Well, I think it went well. Maybe it was horrible. I don’t know. Of course I’ve been replaying every second of it that I can remember in my head ever since, and panicking that in the seconds that I can’t remember I was forgetting how to read, or failing to walk in a straight line, or giving the director the finger, or other such inexplicable incompetences.

However, as with every audition I do, my mind also keeps throwing up tiny details from the experience that surely must mean that they love me and couldn’t possibly think of casting anyone else. Here are some of the incredibly subtle but enormously significant details that I’ve plucked from my memory of this and previous auditions and lent enormous gravity to, like a sunlight-starved conspiracy theorist. Here’s hoping you spotted these irrefutable signs in your last audition too:

1. The director remembered my name. Yes, OK, it’s unusual to have a name that sounds so very much like someone has clumsily stuck a ‘Y’ on the end of a man’s name in order to make the name picked out for a joyfully anticipated baby boy fit the crushingly disappointing baby girl who actually arrived, and this is more likely to be the reason that the name stuck indelibly in his memory, but STILL.

2. The director didn’t remember my name. Crafty devil, pretending to forget my name so as not to let on to the other auditionees that he was going to pick me. Clever.

3. He asked me to read a section of the text. Why would he want to hear me savage his beautiful text with my crashing ineptitude if he thought I was awful? He just can’t wait for the first rehearsal to hear me read!

4. He didn’t ask me to read a section of the text. Boom, decision made already. No point wasting more of my time when I’m so clearly perfect for the part.

5. We were both wearing green. Minds totally in sync. Can’t argue with psychic soulmates.

6. He coughed during someone else’s speech and not during mine. “Bore me later,” that cough said. Must have been so enthralled during mine that he forgot to breathe, let alone cough.

7. His assistant ran to catch me before I left, to ask me to come back and “sing something easier.” So they loved my acting but my singing made their ears bleed. You win some, you lose some.

8. He didn’t look me in the eye once during the whole audition. Dermatophobia: morbid fear of freckles.

9. He said “Sorry in advance if you don’t get the part.” True story, and I got the part. Go figure.

10. It’s been six weeks and I still haven’t heard. Probably just playing hard-to-get. Or he’s busy. Or gone abroad. Or dead.

Photo by Flickr user MrGuilt under a Creative Commons licence.